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Saturday Quotes

For I know that my Redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand upon the earth. And after my skin has been destroyed, yet in my flesh I will see God. I myself will see him with my own eyes—I, and not another. How my heart yearns within me!Job 19: 25-27Amen.

Roundtable: An adoptee's relationship with firstparents

I'm taking a seat at the Open Adoption Roundtable, where the assignment this session involves these italicized thoughts:[Some say that] adopted persons should be free to initiate relationships with their first families--or not--on their own timetable. The parents (first and adoptive) in an adoption shouldn't make such an important and personal decision for them.First,

The most common word in the ALI community? Wait.

We do a lot of waiting here in the ALI blogosphere. We wait for a diagnosis. We wait to start treatment and then, of course, the 2 week wait. For those of us involved in adoption, we wait for a first parent to choose us, we wait (sometimes) for that child to be born. There’s [...]

Hard Training Reduced Fertility

Are you a female athlete or just someone who likes challenging workouts -- who also wants to get pregnant? It may make sense to ease off a bit as you try to get pregnant. New research from the Norwegian University of Science and Technology (NTNU) shows that the body may not have enough energy to support both hard workouts and getting pregnant.

A lesson unlearned

Remember this? It happened again, this evening. So, instead of relaxing and watching some nice dark science fiction (aka Stargate Universe), OmegaDad and I have spent the past 40 minutes dealing with OmegaDotter’s social life–or, currently, lack thereof. Once again, she started making plans with A.–as in, “We’ll pick you up at…”–without sitting down and asking us first. It’s [...]

If The Shoe Fits …

Whew. What a month. And while Autumn is my absolute favorite time of the year, I am happy to say that I’m glad last month went by fast. Even though I didn’t even get to make a run to the cider mill and get my freshly made donuts and cider. Or my once-a-year Granny Smith caramel [...]

doublex: Eggs for sale - Washington Post

doublex: Eggs for sale
Washington Post
I think it's a sign of the desperation that infertility can spark, and how it can bring people to make these borderline-eugenic demands. ...

I Have Decided...

I have decided that I am indecisive.

I thank you all for your many and varied advice. I haven't requested HCG or an ultrasound, but I may. My center is on the smallish side, and I think they would fit me in next week if I'm wigging out.

The big answer I want of course, is whether there is a heartbeat. That's really the only thing that would make me feel a whole lot better.

Not to be cliche, but it will be what it will be. It's out of my hands. I'm trying really hard to keep myself busy and not to think about it.

I'm taking some small comfort in the fact that I get waves of nausea/gagginess. Clearly, my boobs still think I'm pregnant. My nose thinks I'm pregnant too. Funny thing, I got a whiff of the PIO shot (no lie) and was repulsed. Oh, and I think I've had round ligament pain (although I know that's usually later in pregnancy), like a few times when I've stood up quickly or when I've sneezed, I've had sharp pains on either side. None of these mean there's a developing baby in there, but it's something.

This is such a hard place to be in.

Tiny Ladies Wear Cuter Clothes

A few days ago I was wandering the cosmetics section of my local CVS-I'm not bragging, just stating facts here, and I spotting an Asian woman who looked to be maybe 4' 11". Now, I'm not positive she was that short because I was too chicken to ask even though I really really wanted to know. I'm slightly obsessed with short people's heights because there's a good chance a full sized Sadie will only be 4'10or 4' 11" and I want to get a good picture of what that looks like. If it looks like that Asian woman it will be down right adorable. But then again, maybe the random short Asian woman was actually 5' ", in which case Sadie would be pretty darned small. I wish I could've found out how tall she was but there's just no way to ask someone for their height without seeming like a full on lunatic. You really have to divulge the back story and then you'd come off as even more crazy and rightfully so.
I've learned to keep my obsession to myself lest I end up in any verbal altercations or fist fights. Or more verbal altercations than usual.

I never really considered short people that much before I realized I might have one in my future. Sure, I love Randy Newman's song Short People and can't help but giggle when I hear it on the radio ever four years or so, but other than that, the topic rarely came up. Now, I notice short people all the time. Sort of like how years ago my husband, who was my boyfriend at the time, told me that an ex-girlfriend of his didn't know what the word "sherpa" meant. I had no idea what it meant either and while I was mortified that maybe I was a complete dumbass I was also sort of pissed off that he was inadvertantly making me feel like a dumbass. So, in a rare humble moment, instead of calling him an asshole and wiping my hands of the whole sordid affair, I just admitted I didn't know what a sherpa was either and Jon kindly explained it to me. Of course, immediately after that, it seemed like I heard the word sherpa a million times a day and if someone were to tell me they'd never heard the word now, I'd think they were lying...or a dumbass (but I'd never say it to your face. So, my point is, maybe there are tiny 4' 11" ladies waltzing around the city on a constant basis and I've just been oblivious to it.

I'm wondering now if Sadie will have any special challenges in life besides finding a pair of jeans that don't drag on the ground or I guess finding a good tailor. Will she get teased for being short? Does anyone tease for that? I've never teased anyone for being short but then I very busy getting teased for having a big butt and a funny walk and not knowing the definition of a sherpa.

The excellent news is that Sadie eats like a teeny tiny wrestler now. She's been off the periactin for a few weeks (yes, Patricia. Sorry I didn't update you sooner)and is still sniffing around for her next meal like a true Taylor. She isn't gaining weight but she definitely isn't losing and that's pretty normal for an almost two-year-old. She's got plenty of time to merely smell food and go up a pants size when she's forty-three (hi perimenopause- I've been expecting you). Her little g-tube button has been sitting on her tummy lonely and unused for months. I want to take it out but the husband, doctor and nutritionist (the lovely Patricia) say that we should keep it in through flu season which I know intellectually is the right move but bloody hell I want to yank it out so bad! Of course I have the patience of a toddler so I'm always going to want things right now.

If the worst thing she has to deal with is people calling her Half Pint, she's going to be waaaay ahead of the game. But that's not going to stop me from checking out short people.

LaDainian Tomlinson and Uncle Mikey trick or treating.

My Cash Drawer

I have watched enough Tom & Jerry to last me the rest of my natural life so it is not surprising that I am thinking in cartoon visuals. Right now I am picturing a dust cloud and from it emerges...

Cue Monster

The post I didn't want to write.

I don't know where to go from here. You see, there's comfort in having a plan. Even if it's the best or worst plan in the world, HAVING a plan gives you something to hold on to when you are trying to keep your head above water. A point of reference, a direction. A lighthouse on a foggy shore.

This is the first time in my life I don't have a plan.

I mean, wasn't donor eggs SUPPOSED to be the magic bullet? It sure has been for practically everyone else I know. You would think, in life, that if you are willing to walk the longest and thinnest tight rope to get what you want that you might be rewarded for having the BALLS, the GUSTO! the blind MADNESS!! and ultimately succeed.

But no.

So where does that leave me?

I don't have a clue.

Truth be told, I had a bit of a hissy fit with the RE today. I put on my big girl pants and went in for the blood draw and had an emotional discussion with one of the lead nurses on staff. I am not letting them off the hook for the poor thaw last week. When they called with the negative results this afternoon (shocking!) I gave an earful again. They are now off to have their own consult (a staff meeting to discuss the DE/IVF flunkies and determine what went wrong). Afterwards, I requested a WTF meeting with the lead doctor and nurse coordinator for the DE program. I may be done, but I won't shrink into the background because of it.

In recent days- I had an epiphany... this isn't just about ME. It's also about my husband. He has always had a stake in this too, and to my surprise his level of investment is exceeding mine at the moment.

A short time ago, I was prepared for this end. As much as I could be anyway. And then, as S. and I discussed this week's events and prepared for the final curtain, he turned to me and said... "We'll find a way, and we'll do it again. We'll figure something out. This can't be IT!"

"That's crazy talk! What the hell are you smoking???" I retorted.

We didn't say much after that. Actually, I think we made a date this weekend to eat fine food until we can't move and drink vast quantities of our favorite microbrew beer, but we settled for an immediate fix of leftover Halloween candy and playing Nerf guns with David.

But I have to admit, I was perplexed. Here I am at the end of my emotional rope, that, admittedly... I drug him along at times over the years (maybe nudged is a better word). And now that we reach the end, and I am maybe ready? to make peace with the universe for giving me a shit sandwich... Husband and I have each swung 180 degrees in a different direction.

He wants to pull ME.

So I did it.

I opened the closet door. Yes, that door. My heart was in my mouth. I felt the monsters hot, nasty breath for a split second...and...

...just as I was about to be pulled in and consumed...

S. pulled me back.

-------
No, we don't have a plan. We may never have another plan.

Yes, my heart is aching and shattered into a million pieces. Yes, it's hard to keep the anger at bay. I don't know if I will ever get over the unfairness of life. There are so many of us that would risk certain danger for this ONE THING that comes so easy to most of the population. It seems, at times, that this has to be a world that has gone mad! How can the highest joy and ultimate sadness coexist on this earth? What is the meaning, the lesson?? So many questions.

I don't know where we're going, but we will hold on to each other in the darkness and walk in circles if we have to.

We will find a path eventually. And almost certainly, it will lead somewhere other than here.

Hope for Infertile Couples - Tonic

Hope for Infertile Couples
Tonic
The experiment could lead to new treatments for infertility, reports the UK's TimesOnline. "Our goal is to understand how you make eggs and sperm," said ...

Apropos of absolutely nothing

There seems to be something that draws unusual vanity plates to the block in front of my work. Seen in the past few months. PLZVOTE S1NG 1T HDSHRNKR SENILE1 And on a tow truck nearby: NEXT WEEK

I have to share

I gave up on monitoring my statcounter, because I know that they’re reading and frankly, if they want to read, that’s their business. What’s it to me, honestly? As a result, I don’t know what weird things people are searching on to find my blog. But I never seemed to be the type to get [...]

The Last Worry

Suffering and recovering from this cold in the last week has fortunately and unfortunately, forced me to slow down a little. And while taking some time to rest, to get more sleep, and to stop running around like a lunatic has probably been GOOD for me (I'm feeling much better), it's also been a little too MUCH time.Because suddenly, with time on my hands, I've of course had time to THINK. And no,

Trying to Have a Child

It can be one of the most painful or one of the most joyful experiences of your life.

Feeling Overwhelmed and the Wonder of Autumn

I’ve had a lot going on recently — between travelling for work, representing clients, and getting ready to launch an egg donation agency my plate is pretty full — on top of which I have family issues and a back that doesn’t really want to let me stand up straight (a metaphor for my life [...]

How Pottery Barn is making me sad with pink

The holiday catalogues are arriving at an alarming rate. It’s totally time, I get it. (I won’t, however, accept that it is time for my local grocery store to have holiday decorations on display in their parking lots. I’m looking at you, Publix.) And while 98% of the catalogues end up in my recycling bin [...]

Registration Issues: Registered Users Please Read!

Hey everyone, while I was away, Kristen and Emily were hard at work trying to figure out why we have all these registered users who cannot seem to be able to post. We had a worm on the site awhile ago and it seems the damage the worm did went a little deeper than we [...]

Resurfacing from all my travels and I have some news!

I have been off the blog travelling to various meetings for reproductive professionals, including ASRM and moderating a panel for the American Bar Association’s A.R.T. Committee addressing insurance issues in gestational carrier arrangements. I learned tons (for other posts) but came home exhausted and overwhelmed and of course the office was happily insane with new [...]

Paper

I went to Audrey's, our local book store, last night, to buy a copy of Sense and Sensibility. I am only buying this book because I bought Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters, and I started reading that, and I realized that I don't think I've read Sense and Sensibility, and I think, in the entire spirit of parody, you should read one before the other. (Also, this explanation for Mr. Spit, who

Quiet, and a discussion about making waves

The only rumor I see out there is the one agency saying that the CCAA is preparing to match. I went through three scenarios on my When post. The third scenario is now pretty much trashed at this point, which means there is a good possibility the CCAA is stretching things out until they figure out [...]

162nd Friday Blog Roundup

Picture a swank hotel inhabited by the most gorgeous guests in the world. A tattooed model-like man lounges shirtless in the hallway to get better cell phone reception. Every woman is dressed in identical knee-high black boots with three-inch heels. Even the man at the front desk is metrosexualed within an inch of his life, [...]

One of my goals is going to be unattainable…

Uh, my BFF moved to Texas. How can I visit her in Montana when she doesn’t live there anymore?!? I guess it’ll be nice to have her closer-she’s lived so far away since 1995-but I really wanted to go to Montana. I’ll look on the bright side. Yay for Jessica being closer! Maybe I’ll change: 15. Visit Jessica [...]

I guarantee this never happened to you

Went and gave blood for immune tests. Results in Tuesday.

Here everything is bargainable. Not just in the souk (outdoor) type shopping, even in malls, in some stores, you ask "is there a discount?" and they discount the price.

Well I was totally joking when I asked the lab guy "is there a discount" and sure enough he discounted the total price by like 100 Egyptian pounds!

Super S was with me and he could not believe it, we could not believe it!!!

God Bless Cairo man, I swear.

New Study Reveals Women Have Difficulties Identifying When They Are Most Fertile, UK

1 in 6 British couples now face problems conceiving, so maximising the chances of natural conception by identifying precisely when ovulation occurs is critical. A new study by DuoFertility showed that 73% of women that are trying for a baby are tracking their ovulation to help them conceive and that 93% use their fertility clues as indicators of it. However, the study also revealed that most women trying to conceive do not know how to recognise their body's fertility signs adequately.

Dems exploit infant deaths to sell ObamaCare - American Thinker

Dems exploit infant deaths to sell ObamaCare
American Thinker
Infertility itself may result in less healthy pregnancies. Thus, not only do such treatments contribute to the higher infant mortality rates, they also skew ...
CDC: US ranks 30th for infant mortalityUnited Press International
CDC Study Links Premature Births, High Infant Mortality In USMedical News Today (press release)

all 6 news articles »

Eeek! It's 11:45!!

Really fast post so I can get it under the deadline...

This is Olivia dancing. Abby dances a tiny bit at the beginning then gets distracted by a toy.

My little Livvy has some moves! She does not get this from me! I love how she can't quite figure out what is making the ABCs start. She just pushes everything until it starts.

P.S. I have a couple of HILARIOUS videos coming of the two of them torturing each other.

open adoption roundtable: on openness

The most recent prompt by Heather at the Open Adoption Roundtable asks open adoption bloggers whether they agree with some common critiques about openness in adoption. The views cited share one thing in common, “a certain point-of-view: that direct contact during early childhood between birth families and children placed for adoption may not be the [...]

open adoption roundtable: on openness

OART #9

This round we're going to consider one critique of fully open adoptions. Have you ever heard--or perhaps even made--statements like these?

"We have medical histories and can share the information we have about their birth parents with our children now. If they feel a need to initiate contact with their birth families when they are adults, we will fully support them."

"The decision to have a relationship with her bio family should be hers when she is ready. Creating a relationship between them before she wants it might cause issues in the future."

"Children deserve to have just one family during childhood and not to deal with anything adoption-related until they are more mature. A fully open adoption robs a child of a normal childhood."

A lot of my beliefs regarding adoption and openness in adoption were formed long before I ever thought I would be an adoptive mom, long before I ever experienced infertility.

As a teen, I dated (and almost married!) a guy who was an adoptee. He knew a bit about his bio parents but never saw a reason to find them or learn more. That was a bizarre notion to me - I just couldn't imagine not knowing anything about them or what similarities there may be.

As an adult, I found myself dating a man (now DH) who has a half sister that had been placed for adoption. A sister he knew nothing about for a good portion of his life. By the time I came on the scene, reunion had long since happened and a relationship had begun to form. I was enthralled with this relationship and I watched with interest at the different dynamics between my now MIL, my SIL, DH and all the other people now involved in the adoption "triad".

And then I found myself walking down the road towards becoming an adoptive mom... full of questions. Questions for the adoptee. Questions for the b-mom. Questions for the a-mom. And questions for myself and where my heart & head truly was.

Openness for me isn't just about having medical history or knowing how to contact MG's birthfamily when she wants to. It's about forming a life long relationship between a myriad of people who all have one thing in common - love for a little girl. Why would I deprive her, or any of us for that matter, of that love?

Bonds are formed over time. It will take time for MG's birth family and myself to form a relationship that all parties are comfortable with. We need that time now, while MG is still too young to recognize the awkwardness of it. Sure, when MG is older she'll be able to make her own decisions regarding contact but until then, I am the keeper of that relationship and it's up to me to ensure I give it every opportunity to grow and flourish. In time, it will become a part of her life and she will have to reconcile it with who she is.

But for now, we explain the aspects of adoption. We tell her about HER story and most importantly, we let her know that she is lucky to have so many people that care about her and love her. And when a gift shows up on our doorstep, like it did last week, I get to tell my daughter it's from her OH family. I don't feel fear. I don't feel panic. I just feel the joy emanating from my daughter as she tears open the package and smiles into the camera, saying "thank you Grandma J".

A Thousands Balls in the Air, ALL AT ONCE

Right now, I feel a bit... unnerved. I'm in the middle of some discussions with a series of work-type people that are all offering a variety of awesome opportunities, all at once. IF everything falls into place, all at one...

Oh crap, I forgot to post today.

Busy day. Yesterday I got a ticket for not having my registration sticker on the plates, so today I had to go to the DMV to prove I wasn’t out of compliance. I will say, I was impressed with how efficient the process was. I came into the information desk, said I wanted to contest a [...]

Brought to you by: The Letter A

So I wont admit to you how many times I had to count the number of days in the calendar to match up with the letters in the alphabet.

See, Ive had this plan for 30 posts in 30 days since I remembered it was NaBloPo month--but, of course....there are 30 days in the month, and there are only 26 letters in the alphabet.

Like I said, I wont tell you how long it took me to work it all out.

Anyway!

And in honor of my most favoritest childhood show, Sesame Street, I wanted to do my part in honoring the 40th anniversary. I dont know what I would have done with out Big Bird and Grover...but much as Sesame Street was a fantastic influence on my childhood, it also caused me to have some issues...

I cant look at a letter (or number, for that matter) without thinking of its puppet version--and whether its female or male. Really.

It's a total OCD thing. Like, when we were deciding on the O-man's name, I had to figure out if the letters in his name were balanced enough--I didnt want too many female puppet letters since he was a he.

Still with me, or have you called the loony-bin? Dont tell me Im the only one....

So I hope you enjoy this homage to the the educational show that was such a great influence, no matter how you spell it out :0)

A is for ACTIVE

Oh man, is he ever!

It's like a light switch just turned on one day not long ago...he was rolling, sometimes scooting, and content to just sit and play with toys in front of him. And then: BAM.

Crawling, waving, pulling up to stand. And now throw swimming like a fish into the mix. He is not afraid of the water--which is great--just man, I am zonked by the end of class. Forgot it might be a good workout for dear old mom.

I knew this phase was coming--I just didnt know how FAST it would happen. He's really becoming a little boy. A fantastic, ACTIVE, little boy....

Look, Ma! I can sit!

Look, Ma! I can crawl!

Look, Ma! I can stand!

Hey, jealousy

Our neighborhood is filled with dogs. Big dogs. Little dogs. Dogs that go on walks with their humans. On the whole, I find myself thinking of Kai less and less, though when the dotter brought home “Our Daily News” (in which the kids write a snippet, it gets compiled into a sheet, and the teacher copies [...]

The No-Cost Path to Cheaper Health Care - Wall Street Journal

The No-Cost Path to Cheaper Health Care
Wall Street Journal
States have passed more than 1800 benefit mandates, requiring insurance companies to cover services from hair prostheses (wigs) to infertility treatments to ...

and more »

Only on 12: "Baby come back" party for local infertility clinic - WRDW-TV

Only on 12: "Baby come back" party for local infertility clinic
WRDW-TV
Thursday night one of the only local infertility clinics is celebrating their success with a party, a party for everybody involved. ...

and more »

Ask Allison

Sometimes the search terms that bring people to this blog just seem to demand a response of some sort. And since I have nothing else to write about these days…. Oh, and the usual disclaimer. I AM NOT A DOCTOR!!! I’m just someone who has been going through infertility treatment for four years [...]

How Endometriosis Affects Pregnancy After Infertility Treatments

Women who have endometriosis who get pregnant through infertility treatments have a higher risk of pregnancy complications, and are more likely to have a Caesarean section. This study analyzes the connection between endometriosis, pregnancy, and assisted reproduction. However, the lead author says that women who have infertility treatments aren’t any more likely to have problems in [...]

The Golden Haiku

Before we start, please read through this whole long post because there are some small details you need to follow in order to have this run smoothly. Those in the adoption/loss/infertility community know that I’ve created the Creme de la Creme list for the past four years, a compilation of a single post from every participating [...]

Trifecta

To complete a trilogy of posts debating having a second child, I bring you some of the random, stream of thought musings that pass through my head on the subject, on a more or less hourly basis. Sleep. I don't...

Just Some Pictures

Photos from my recent hike...

Upper Cascade Falls

Fall color

My new zoom lens has a macro function. Sweet!

Love the contrasting color here...

These are just a few. For the rest, click here to see Kate's flickr page.

Still fighting with the mouse, but have been promised a trip to Best Buy this evening to rectify the situation. YAY!

.

Update on dr. appt.

Update after my appt yesterday: Due to the antibody I have and the heparin I’m on because of that antibody, as well as the tiny possibility the baby is growth restricted (even though she said her gut says that’s not the case), Dr G wants to induce labor before 40 weeks. I’m still only at [...]

He’s here

If you haven’t already heard, the Boy is here with us — he joined our family last Thursday night. 8 lb 3 oz, 20 inches long and absolutely beautiful. I’ve been trying to piece things together for a real post, but that looks like it’s a while off now. Cliff notes version, short easy labor (with [...]

Because I'm an Idiot

The fact that I labeled my previous post "Smart Cookies" isn't ironic so much as it points out just how much of a dumb ass I am. You may not remember, but my original header before I went all Superwoman...

On moving past IF.

I suppose when I say that I want to move past infertility for good, I should clarify. I mean this. I want to move past BATTLING infertility. To planning going back to the RE. To scheduling the HSG, the blood draws. J’s next SA, which will confirm that yes, we are still infertile. I am fully aware [...]

Blah.

Just spent ten minutes getting dried snot out of my son's bulb aspirator (used boiling water - anyone else have a better idea?). Yesterday I collected my pee for 24 hours. Last night, I came down with the same cold Hulk has, and we both feel like CRAP.

Damn, my life is sexy.

In good news, I was having issues dressing Hulk this morning, and decided to just send him to school in a super cute sweater and khaki's (I couldn't find a long sleeve onsie and it's going to be only in the 40's today. I figured he could wear a short sleeve one with a sweater over it, right?). Well - today is picture day at daycare! Score one for tired Mommy.

The house looks awesome - the guest room is totally ready for guests, which may be a good thing, as my blood pressure continues to rise - it was 145/74 at my non-stress test this morning. I'm close enough to my last day at work (11/13) that I found myself hoping for a reason to just use up my sick days and be done with it. On Monday - I actually could do that, as I have 4 sick days left, and next week we get Wends off for Veteran's Day. We've been dealing with crisis after crisis, and my heart isn't really in it... and there is a chance I'm going to have to log in this weekend. How annoying would that be??? On the other hand, I know I wouldn't realistically leave them in the lurch unless I was really on bedrest, and that would supremely SUCK, as I have plans for those 2 weeks off! Nothing major, but maybe going to the movies and stuff like that. And what would I do about Hulk? Who would take him to daycare? So, in all honesty, I don't REALLY want to have the doc give me a reason to leave work early.... only one week to go. I can make it!!

The Two Words Infertile Couples Don't Want to Hear

They could be the most annoying two words a couple can hear while trying to conceive: "Just relax!" It feels like an impossible directive.

It is not

It is not the sheer physicality of another miscarriage that's distressing me. It's not all this damn blood and the wincing pain and the hormone induced emotional crash. I cry, but tears of frustration and rage as much as sorrow. Probably, if I am honest, more frustration and rage. All of this is but a nuisance. It's not pleasant and I could do without it, but that's not the thing of it, at least

Tiny Injector To Speed Development Of New, Safer, Cheaper Drugs

It's no bigger than a stamp packet but it has the potential to allow rapid development of a new generation of drugs and genetic engineering organisms, and to better control in-vitro fertilization. Engineering researchers at McMaster University have fabricated a palm-sized, automated, micro-injector that can insert proteins, DNA and other biomolecules into individual cells at volumes exponentially higher than current procedures, and at a fraction of the cost.

Halloween Pictures – The Sequel

We have a video! Isn’t this little one adorable? I love the monster face about a third of the way through. The pictures just kept coming in. Thank you to everyone who sent a picture. I just loved looking at all of these little ones! Kenna (14 mos) held by Taiyler (8) Soxfan’s Daughter [...]

Dear Spencer (an open letter),

There’s a few things I’d like to talk to Spencer about, so if you’ll just excuse me… Dear Spencer, Hi. Mom here. Sweetie, I’d like to talk to you about a few things that have been on my mind and I just need to lay it all out. First things first, could you please stop screaming when I [...]

EnviroMom Meatless Supper Club: Spicy Black Beans & Rice

This has been one of Those Weeks. The kind in which just making it to the dinner table at the end of the day feels like an accomplishment. So any meals hav to be (1) fast and (2) made of ingredients already in our pantry or freezer.

Our trusty black beans and rice recipe fit the bill on both counts. You'd probably never serve it guests--it's too ugly for that. But it's warm, comforting, filling and beyond easy to make. The most complicated step is chopping up an onion.

It's really not that spicy, despite its name. I use a minimum of cayenne pepper to keep it kid-friendly. Upping the rice-to-bean mixture ratio also helps if children complain about it being too spicy. But everyone ate it and was happy this time around. It pairs well with a green salad or even just a bowl of baby carrots. We also sometimes substitute cornbread for the rice, just for a change.

But not this week. I am way too tired to make cornbread right now.

Recipe below, plus more meatless meals at EnviroMom...

SPICY BLACK BEANS AND RICE
(from the Better Homes & Gardens New Cookbook)

1/2 c chopped onion (1 medium)
4 cloves garlic, minced
2 T olive oil or cooking oil
1 15 oz can (or 1 3/4 c cooked) black beans, rinsed and drained
1 14.5 oz can Mexican-style stewed tomatoes
1/8 to 1/4 t ground red pepper
2 c hot cooked brown or long grain rice

In a medium saucepan cook the onion and garlic in hot oil till tender but not brown. Carefully stir in beans, undrained tomatoes, and ground red pepper. Bring to boiling, reduce heat. Simmer, uncovered, for 15 minutes.

To serve, mound rice on serving plates; make a well in each mound. Spoon the black bean mixture into wells. If desired, sprinkle with chopped onion, cilantro, and/or sour cream.

Makes 4 main-dish servings.

Obesity Significantly Cuts Odds Of Successful Pregnancy

Obese women are as much as 28 percent less likely to become pregnant and have a successful pregnancy, according to research that earned a Michigan State University professor a national award. The findings by Barbara Luke, a researcher in the MSU College of Human Medicine's Department of Obstetrics, Gynecology and Reproductive Biology, focused on data of nearly 50,000 women using assisted reproductive technology.

That’s Much Better

Last year’s Halloween photos: This year’s photos: I’d say this constitutes improvement! Real post coming soon…I promise.

Lee Press-on Nails and Porn Star Boobs

My Thirteen favorite Sesame Street Moments

Today is Sesame Street's 40th Anniversary. In honor of it, I am compiling a list of my thirteen favorite Sesame Street moments. I loved Sesame Street--PRE-Elmo. I grew up with it. I felt like I lost a friend when Jim...

Wordless Wednesday: Best Buds

Of Mice and Man, I'm Bloated

Hee, hee, hee. Hoo, hoo.

Oh, dear.

Eight Pound Man Removed From Woman's Vagina

(In case you missed it in the recent issue of the Onion...)

In other news, ProgesteRage and a jacked up computer mouse have combined to the tedious result of REFUSING TO USE THE EMTHEREFKING COMPUTER IF IT'S GOING TO GO AND ACT LIKE THAT. That'll show the computer. If the mouse wants to act up, I just won't use the computer AT ALL.

Yeah. Logic has flown the coop, and I am left here wondering what my damage is that I did not just go and buy a new mouse a month or two ago when it started to go all wonky. Ah, well. Instead I just scream, "What the FUGGGGH?" at a little palm-shaped inanimate object and curse Fox for preempting everything good with stupid baseball.

Forgive me for my lack of commenting these couple of days. Once I get my engraved apology from the computer for daring to be such an intolerable brat and/or purchase a new mouse, I imagine I'll be back up to speed.

Oh... in the mean time, I have a few questions for my fellow IVF pregnancy people, or pregnant people, or people who underwent IVF without pregnancy but had this side effect anyway... How frickin' long should I expect this massive bloat to last? Weight gain and/or a baby pooch is one thing, but this bloat is killing me. Shortly after transfer, I gained damn near 4 inches in the area above my belly button, which happens to be the first spot I usually gain weight. However, I seem to be holding steady at around 202 lbs., which is anywhere from 2-4 lbs over normal, weight which was gained during the early part of the IVF process and never really lost, but those 2-4 lbs are just not high enough to look like this already.

I mean, just today, as I was talking to one of my co-workers (she had three miscarriages, one of twins at 14 weeks, before having her son... not really stories I want to think about right now, but nonetheless, she has been someone who gets my struggle a little bit because she clearly had her own) she asks me if I've yet found out how many, and I say that they saw two, and she freaks out, and she says, "I was SURE it was twins... I mean, no insult, but you look REALLY pregnant, and you have for a while!", and then another co-worker chimes in and says something to the effect that she was thinking when I showed up in her office a week ago that I was probably pregnant because I looked so pregnant... So WHAT THE EFF. I mean, I'm just six weeks today, but with this belly puff, I look ridiculous. I really promise that I have absolutely no problem whatsoever with gaining weight for the sake of the baby/ies (yes, I bought Dr. Luke's book, and YES, I drank the Kool-Aid-- bring on the 3500 calories and the constant rest. I'm all about it.), but I do have a problem with this uncomfortable bubble that is perched about six inches north of the baby/ies current address. I mean, eventually, the ovaries have to shrink, right? Eventually, the bloat has to go away, else there won't ever be room in my abdomen for a growing uterus, right?

So, any advice on this early pregnancy bloat? I understand it may be related to the progesterone supplementation, or the slightly overstimulated ovaries (or my tendency to bubble up first in that exact spot regardless of pregnancy) or possibly even the already-slightly-larger-than-usual uterus. Is this normal, or should I call the doc to complain? Surely this can have nothing to do with the TWO chocolate-chip-cookie ice cream sandwiches I ate as a snack today... no way.

.

The 77th Circle Time: The Show and Tell Weekly Thread

Show and Tell is wasted on elementary schoolers. Join several dozen bloggers weekly to show off an item, tell a story, and get the attention of the class. In other words, this is Show and Tell 2.0. Everyone is welcome to join, even if you have never posted before and just [...]

Show & Tell: Wedding invitation

This past week, Roger and I marked the 15th anniversary of our engagement (click all images to magnify).As longtime readers may guess, we are not the traditional type that would have a traditional wedding. Or traditional wedding invitations.And before we had children, we were big film aficionados.These were the RSVP cards.And, as if out of a time capsule, our closing arguments in why invitees

A message from the Captain

Dictated, but not read: “Just so all you people out there in the glow box don’t think I am a total slacker I wanted to inform you just what the heck I was DOING when I was in my crib around naptime-thirty this afternoon. Sure, maybe I was being a bit dramatic about things, but YOU [...]

The illness hits just keep coming

James may have strep. He was exposed at school and now he has a low fever and won’t eat. I’m taking him in for a swab tomorrow. Maybe I can sneak in a flu vax while I’m there.

Things you don’t want to hear from upstairs…

Why is there pee in the bathtub?

Wordless Wednesday: The Cats Have it Right.

my soul (6 mos)...

My daughter.
My Soul.
My soul.

She is 6 months today and time is so unfair how it flies by with your children.
She is crawling for the past week or two, and she is talking up a dang storm.
But this post is about something else. This is a love letter.

To compare my feelings to relationships, for that is what we have, my children and I, relationships. With Bliss it was like an intense one night stand that turned out to be the best choice ever made. He was very planned but happened so easily and all was so intense from the moment he arrived.

With Soul it was like a long slow courtship with all the years of infertility and trying, and then she came and the birth was so wonderful and gentle and the love grew slowly, softly.

Both relationships took me to the same place. I can honestly say that I love both my children the same amount, the same fierceness, the same passion and wonder. But they grew very differently to this wondrous place. And both ways were perfect and just how they should be.

I am also caught off guard often at how thought provoking having a daughter is. It is so deep whenever I even slightly think about it. So much I want for her, so much I want to protect her from on so many different levels than with Bliss. Yes so much is the same but as a woman, with all the things I have been through as a woman, because I am a woman, it is terrifying yet also such a huge honor. Such a responsibility. Such a blessing.

She is so very precious, and darling. Very very sweet and has these little ways about her. She sings to herself in this soft way I just delight in. She also makes zerbert sounds for ages with her mouth, her cheeks puffing out as her lips and tongue make the spitting sound. She will go from extremely upset where I am running to pick her up or pull over on the road to making that sound completely content , in a 2 second period and I just laugh and laugh. We all do. She just delights and amazes me. She seems like she may be a quirky soul and I find that so totally awesome. I get to know this wonderful person and get to live with her every day of my life. How totally fantastic is that????

Goddess I am lucky.

I am head over heels in love with her and it feels so good. I was honestly terrified for a time that it would not end up here, not like this, not the same, but it has, softly and gently and steadily it has and I am so grateful for it all.

Getting to witness the purity of Bliss' and Soul's love for each other is so breathtaking. Truly it grows daily and they are completely besotted with each other. Bliss always comforts her when she is upset and can get her to laugh longer and harder than anyone else, including me, by a long shot. Soul will follow him with her eyes even if she has to crane her body or try and leap away from my arms.

She simply adores him and he her and these pictures, while adorable, do not do them and their love justice.

Both of my children are such such SUCH extraordinary beings.
Truly amazing in so many ways and it is so evident to me daily.
I just have to stay out of my own way on my journey parenting them.

Lend me your Opinion

I'm doubting myself.

Do I go for a 3rd beta? If so, then when? I could go tomorrow (21dpo). Or I could go sometime next week.
Do I go in for a 5 week ultrasound next week? It wouldn't tell me anything but how many there are.
Do I just hold out until the 16th when I should be able to see a heartbeat?

Um.... yes, I have NOOOOO kind of anxiety whatsoever about this, as you can tell.

I think I felt some rumblings today, as in some mild crampiness. I'm still very tired and sleepy. I've been napping and going to bed early. I'm a big fan of sleep in general though, so that all works out.

I'm sure this is TMI, but... I walked into the cafeteria today and it was breakfast for lunch. This overwhelming waft of sausages enveloped me. I gagged. I started tearing up. Children started looking at me kind of funny-like. My coworker took over, and I very promptly and politely went to the bathroom to hurl. I had been doing fine all day up until that, even this morning I got up and wasn't that queasy. But those sausages.... yuck!

Oh, and the fish counter at the grocery store was horrible yesterday. Soooo smells make me nauseous, and if I don't eat I get really hungry and a little nauseous.

I have a checkup visit with the regular endocrinologist tomorrow, because I am hypothyroid and am on synthroid (synthetic hormone) and need to be monitored. The checkups are just randomly done, every few months or so. The timing the past three visits just so happened to coincide with either the 2ww for the beta, or the 2ww for the 1st ultrasound. So I will be explaining my whole deal to her again. And even though she is more than wonderful about it, I hate the deja vu of it all. Am. So. Ready. To. Move. On. withmylife!!!!!!

I'm skipping my coworker's baby shower tomorrow (as in 2, but one is a guy whose wife is expecting). I will use the doctor's appointment as an excuse. I just don't want to go there (literally and figuratively). Not now. Not while I'm all vulnerable. I may sneak some gifts to them later. Target usually has really cute bunny slippers. Maybe if I wear a blindfold, I can still find them in the aisle without having to look upon beeeee-you-tea-ful baby-type stuffs. Damn you Tarjay. You saucy minx.

A Rumor

An agency says the CCAA is preparing to work on matches. Hopefully we’ll start seeing some cut off rumors soon.

Professional photos

Last week B, Blake, and I had our first professional photos taken. I was a little weary, still feeling quite cow-like, but I LOVE the way they turned out. Sister Song did an amazing job and I highly recommend them to anyone!

We even had a picture of Blake's feet with the girls ring. So precious.

Anyway, check out our pics here.

* * *

In other news, Tiffany has won the Sherbie birth game! She was the closest to the actual birth date/time, with a guess of September 15th at 7pm. Congrats Tiffany! Send me an email at noswimmers@gmail.com and we'll get your RESOLVE membership going. Yay!

And a big thanks to all of you for helping me figure out how to determine the winner.

Open Adoption Roundtable #9

The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It's designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don't need to be part of the Open Adoption Bloggers list to participate, or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you're thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table.

Publish your response during the next two weeks--linking back here so we can all find one other--and leave a link to your post in the comments. If you don't blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments.

This round we're going to consider one critique of fully open adoptions. Have you ever heard--or perhaps even made--statements like these?

"We have medical histories and can share the information we have about their birth parents with our children now. If they feel a need to initiate contact with their birth families when they are adults, we will fully support them."

"The decision to have a relationship with her bio family should be hers when she is ready. Creating a relationship between them before she wants it might cause issues in the future."

"Children deserve to have just one family during childhood and not to deal with anything adoption-related until they are more mature. A fully open adoption robs a child of a normal childhood."

These statements are from people participating in closed and semi-open adoptions. I paraphrased them slightly, but left the meanings intact.

The writers share a certain point-of-view: that direct contact during early childhood between birth families and children placed for adoption may not be the best idea. Adopted persons should be free to initiate relationships with their first families--or not--on their own timetable. The parents (first and adoptive) in an adoption shouldn't make such an important and personal decision for them.

What is your response? Do you agree or disagree? Why?

***

Susiebook (first mom) at Endure for a Night: "Your child can’t create familial relationships on his or her own—by leaving it up to the adoptee, you make a relationship impossible at first and then merely difficult, handicapped by the years spent in the dark."

Ginger (first mom) at Puzzle Pieces: "I think when parents say this, they usually mean something like,'We can't decide if openness is good or bad so we just won't decide now. Instead, we'll push these adult decisions off on a child.'"

Elly (adoptive mom): "I get the feeling that too many a-parents who are fixed on a closed or semi-open adoption are doing it because they aren't comfortable with the child's birthfamily. But his (our son's) birthfamily is his family. I don't want him to be afraid to be curious, or interested. Or surprised. Or try to figure out himself how to 'make contact'."

KatjaMichelle (first mom) at Therapy Is Expensive: "All in all adults are uncomfortable with open adoption because its a foreign concept and if we raise our children to view it as an unusual occurance they will be uncomfortable with it as well. If we raise them to know that differences in families are normal, that they have extended family connects that their friends may not, they can grow up embracing all of who they are."

Leigh (first mom) at Sturdy Yet Fragile: "My initial reaction is that I can't disagree entirely with these statements. I think that they represent a fair argument, which is to say that a child may not be mature enough to fully comprehend such complicated relationships as are present in open adoptions. However, from what I've read from several families participating in fully open adoptions, there seems to be an organic level of understanding, and of love, that takes place for the child, even if he or she does not have the adult words or labels to explain those relationships."

Rachel (adoptive mom) at Henry Street: "I truly have some mixed feelings when it comes to full openness, but I would never dismiss it as bad for the kids. Adoption is complicated, period."

Dawn (adoptive mom) at This Woman's Work: "Well, obviously I disagree. And these kinds of arguments drive me crazy."

Valerie (first mom) at From Another Mother: "At first, I'm not really going to have a choice whether [a hypothetical aunt is] in my life--and I'm probably not going to care. However, it's still my choice whether to have a relationship with her. I still get to decide--whether consciously or un--whether I like her or not. My parents may dictate how often I see her as I grow up, but that doesn't mean I'm going to go out of my way to talk to her or bond with her. It's my choice. And as I get older, the choice becomes more and more my own."

Barely Sane (adoptive mom) at Infertility Licks: "Bonds are formed over time. It will take time for MG's birth family and myself to form a relationship that all parties are comfortable with. We need that time now, while MG is still too young to recognize the awkwardness of it."

Luna (adoptive mom) at Life From Here: "To those who say that contact would be confusing for the child, I fail to see how spending time among family would be any more confusing than trying to understand later why your parents never made that option available, if it was possible."

Halloween Outakes

So I attempted to get some pictures in the little ladies' Halloween outfits. Bwahaha!!

Smile at Mommy!

Look at Olivia, sitting there all still

Abby, quick, quick! Get over there by Olivia. Hurry!
STAY Olivia!

OK! Abby is sitting...
Olivia!! Smile at Mommy!!

Ohhh...::sigh::

No, Abby! Stay! I'll get Olivia!

OK...wait...WHERE'S ABBY??

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I do love this picture of the two of them heading off together.

And I also got short sleeved shirts because this IS Texas after all.
We never know if it will be cold or hot in October.
Oh the dog ears!

Abby was too too busy with her dolls to even look my way

Here is another of Olivia with her bows in.

This girl loves her bling

Sleep Training- Nap Edition

Quick, meadering question as I am going a bit crazy from house/packing chores and existing on not very much sleep. What the hell is the secret to getting W to be consistent with naps? We are on a schedule, he is doing well with sleeping through the night in his own crib. But naps? He gives [...]

Busy Little Baker

Yea, in the last couple days I've done diddly-squat because of this damn cold (not cuz it's killing me, but cuz I'm trying to REST so it doesn't get any worse, and so I can be better BEFORE labor), and yea it's driving me INSANE cuz I'm someone who NEEDS to be BUSY (even if it IS with menial tasks), but if I take a deep breath, and try to just SUCK IT UP (cuz I DO want to be better PRE-labor), in

Document on Married Love and Reproductive Technology on Agenda for...

A proposed document from the U.S. bishops' Committee on Pro-Life Activities looks at the relationship between sex and procreation and the moral issues surrounding various technologies for treating infertility, including in vitro fertilization, embryo adoption and surrogacy.

Aging Gracefully?

Daylight savings time -- or WHATever, the switch back to Standard Time -- is kicking my ass. For some reason -- probably orchestrated by Satan -- Tori now gets up around 5:30am; before the time change, she generally slept until...

The best laid plans…

Last night my intention was to come home from GG’s extracurricular stuff, do the next picture blog post, and then read the next Nalini Singh book, which was released yesterday (and delivered to my door yesterday, as well). Reality? I had to take TT with us to GG’s extracurricular stuff because RK worked late last night. [...]

Wordless Wednesday: Child Labor.

Click here for more WW participants.

SEVEN! It’s the magic number.

Ok, not really. But whatev. The boys are seven months old! I can’t believe it’s November already. The boys will soon be eating turkey (perhaps pureed, ewww) and then it’ll be Christmas, EEEEEeeeeee!! (<-that’s me, screaming like a schoolgirl) Whoop! It’s been fun and I am really excited about what lies ahead. If it’s this good [...]

The 7 month boring post

Here’s the part you can skip. It’s for my records, of course. First, some outtakes from the 7 month shot. Cooper finally noticed my sign and decided he’d take it down for me… Primary milestones for 7 months Milestone ? Age Range ? Development Area ? Rakes a small object with fingers 6-9 months Fine Motor – they grab at Puffs all the [...]

A night at the (Chinese) opera

University of Alaska-Big City recently opened a branch of Major Chinese Philosopher Institute, whose mission is to foster Amurrikan-Chinese relations and promote Chinese language learning for K-12 schools. This means that we have more Chinese events to go to, put on by MCP Institute, if we’re willing to drive an hour each way. (It also [...]

New Clinical Guidelines For Egg Freezing In The UK

The British Fertility Society (BFS) and Association of Clinical Embryologists (ACE) have issued new guidelines in the journal Human Fertility on the effectiveness and safety of egg freezing for medical purposes. These guidelines follow a thorough review of published research on different technologies used in egg freezing and present a number of recommendations to UK clinics as follows: -- Egg freezing is an emerging technology with promising initial results.

Note to the pundits

For those who say that because Governor Corzine lost in NJ they think it was some kind of referendum on President Obama--means they don't know NJ. Governor Corzine didn't do much for NJ. Really, nothing at all. The most NJ...

Even Now.

There are times, even now, that I have to stop myself. I have to stop myself from typing Anna's name into Outlook, stop myself from picking up my work phone and calling her. We have an instant message client at work now, and I can imagine sending her random smilies.There are times, even now, when I wonder what she thinks about something, and I am so very close to asking her, that I can almost

more halloween week...

I forgot to post these.

Professor O-man

A philosophical break down of my day:

I started the day by proving to my dear mother, that no matter how many
extra ribbons she adds to my bumper pad, I will still pull it down
during my early morning pilates.

I was bored with my noise makers, so I decided to crawl after a lovely cord hanging
out of the wall, thus causing my mother to spill her morning coffee. Delightful!

I practiced my aquatic exercises with ease--I quite enjoy being in the water,
and look forward to going back to our next class on Thursday.

I did some light afternoon reading--Wall Street Journal to start,
and finished with The Cat in the Hat.

Dinner time conversation was splendid--told Daddy all about my swim class and
how Mommy did not become too alarmed when I swallowed half the pool.

I so enjoyed bath time tonight--I was able to practice my splish-splash and told my bath
toy friends all about the BIG tub I played in earlier today.

My nightcap was so delicious--and just what I needed before tucking my slippers
under the bed, and snuggling in for a good night's rest.

Let's Play a Game

Games are an important part of a young child's development and if you're not playing lots of games with your child, chances are you're not a good parent. Trust me, I'm a really good judge. You might want to ask yourself why you refuse to put in the time. Are you selfish? Lazy? Just not that into it? Well, now that you've spent a few moments being really tough on yourself, maybe you're ready to try harder. Here are a few of my family's favorite games and I've included some instructions so you can try them for little to no expense on your wallet, but a high price on your sanity.

Baby-So-Soft! This fun game is for two players and requires only one entire bottle of baby oil (choose your favorite brand because you'll be smelling it for a week). After your child emerges from the tub, let them catch a glimpse of the baby oil. If they are anything like my child, they will want the baby oil in their hand so badly that any attempts to disuade them will be met with copious amounts of crying. Give in and let your kid have a little oil in their hand which they will then rub on their body, your body, your hair, the couch and the dog. Repeat 20 times or until you are all crying.

52 Thousand Pick-Up: Similar to the beloved card game only with toys and a lot more of them. Here's how it works: let your kids loose in a room that contains a lot of boxes of toys preferably toys that contain lots of small parts. The game really plays itself but the clean-up is a bitch.

What Am I Saying? Do you love a good guessing game? If so, this is for you. All you need is one child who is a little behind verbally but in addition is easily frustrated. Now get eye level with your child and let the game begin. Are they asking for jammies? Apple juice? The latest National Enquirer? God only knows but you can burn off a good hour trying to figure it out. P.S. if you're a speech therapist, that's cheating.

Oh My God Are You Choking??? Caution - this game should not be played if you are suffering from high blood pressure, panic disorder or a heart condition. OMGAYC is great at mealtime but can be played anywhere choking hazards exist. Leave your kids unattended for any amount of time - 10 seconds works equally as well as 10 minutes. When you return, there's a good chance your baby will be red in the face and have a suspicious lump in their cheek. This is a good time to shriek, "Are you choking? What do you have in your mouth? Show me what's in your mouth. Let me see that! Oh no, can you breathe?" If your baby is coughing or crying they're not "officially" choking so you may resume blogging, vacuuming (kidding), sleeping or watching Judge Judy until it's time to play again.

Sugar Olympics - The most simple of all the games we play: see how long your child can go without asking for a cookie, candy, muffin or other treat. Give yourself 5 good parenting points for every increment of five minutes. Once you hit 20 points, you're a better parent than I am. Also? Yogurt counts. Come on, it's all sugar!

Will It Flush? Fans of Letterman and Elmo alike will enjoy this plumbing challenge. Allow your child to gather a ton of objects of various shapes and sizes from around the house (if they can reach your underwear drawer, it's not off limits). Keep the bathroom door unlocked and then watch them throw one object at a time into the bowl and try to flush it down. If it goes down, they win. If it doesn't, the plumber wins. For more advanced play, let them throw all the objects in at the same time. This game is best played with all players naked.

Give Mama a Kiss See if your self esteem can withstand the beating that is your kid refusing to kiss you no matter how much you beg. Try asking as sweetly as possible and never show how much it hurts your feelings each time they pull away like you're suggesting they shove a toothpick in their gums rather than simply granting you a tiny peck on your cheek. After twenty minutes, if you haven't successfully talked your kid into kissing you, admit defeat and try again later otherwise you may need therapy. If your child refuses to kiss you but happily smootches your husband, your coffee cup and the couch with more passion than if it were Leonardo DiCaprio, you may want to ask yourself something, "Am I playing enough games with them?" And then go back to the beginning of this list.

Feel free to add your own game suggestions in the comments. I can always use the amusement. Unfortunately I had to add the word verification to my comments because I was getting spammed up the butt. I will take it off as soon as I can since I know how annoying it is.

One very small example of why we need healthcare reform

About a month ago, I checked online to see when my supplies were coming from Minimed. Everything looked fine, except for the test strips, which said “cash pricing” $360 Every other time I’ve ordered them from MM, they have been covered by insurance. I spent about 45 minutes on the phone with a representative from MM who finally [...]

Why other moms suck, or Hell Is Other Women

What a provocative little header I put up there, no? Let me put out there that a) No, I do not actually think all other mothers suck b) that the story I am going to tell is unique to moms. However, I do think that men waging wars all over the globe over the size of [...]

Why Talking About Infertility Makes You Feel Better

One of my readers is starting to talk about her infertility, telling people that she can’t get pregnant because of endometriosis and fibroids. This, I believe, will make her feel better and start the healing process… “I’ve got endometriosis and fibroids – and also had a failed IVF,” she wrote in the comments section of Dealing With the Disappointment [...]

The Creme de la Creme is a project solely for the adoption/loss/infertility (ALI) community. The list is currently open. The Golden Haiku is an all-encompassing blogosphere project and anyone who wants to can participate. Click over to both projects to read more.

I knew her when…

When the dotter becomes a famous artist, I am going to go around being such a mom. “Did you see that new painting she did?! Isn’t it awesome?!” “You need to buy that sculpture of hers. Did you know she was making sculptures out of construction paper when she was a tiny girl? It’s only [...]

Max snacking on his favourite meal (toes)

Superb picture quality thanks to the excellent -0,25 megapixel camera on my BB. (^*%*&^!

Dust.

I braved the guest room this morning. It's the room that got converted into my craft room once we found out we were having twins. And then, was used as nursery furniture storage when we got the cribs and stuff long before the room was ready. And finally, it's been the dumping ground for anything that didn't have a place in Hulk's room, the twins room or my closet.

It was kind of a scary place.

Aaron and I went up there together on Friday, before Suzanne visited, to try and make space on the bed at least for her to sleep. So, I did get rid of a few things from the closet (old quilts, throw away pillows, crappy pictures we will never hang again). But I still had the lion's share to organize. Thankfully, Suzanne was the one who helped move the craft room over, so I did have a pretty good system in place, just needed to put a few things away, sort and throw away. But DAMN! We haven't cleaned in that room in ages, since it's been filled up with CRAP, so now I'm totally stuffy.

Aaron and I will tackle getting the give away and throw away piles out of there tonight, and then we can assess if I'm actually going to be able to enough space to make my elliptical machine usable. That would be awesome. I took that from my FIL's after it became obvious that it wasn't something he would use again - with visions of using it in the morning before I went to work. Ha. Then I got pregnant. So now, I have visions of using it to get back in shape after the twins come. A girl can dream, right?

I fully admit to putting 3 boxes in the closet that I can't sort through right now. But that isn't too bad for the amount of crap I've gotten rid of in the past 3 weeks. I'm pretty proud of myself! It will be good to have that room ready for guests - as we are going to have people here non-stop for a month once the twins arrive.

Shoe leather. And wanting.

So, as it turns out? My level of mental Zen is directly proportional to the amount of sleep I’m getting. Now that O’s better, he’s sleeping more. And more importantly, LONGER. As in, through the night. WOO. And so I’ve managed to catch up on my OWN sleep. So I’m feeling good. He’s still exhausting and exciting, [...]

The last chapter...

For the inquiring minds: I tested this morning. I stared back at nothing. Not even a whisper of a line.

Please, do not tell me it's too early. It's not.

So this is what it feels like to really fail at something. To exhaust every path, to endure every last available technology. To pump myself full of chemicals that have god knows what affect down the road.

Almost five years of misery. Five years of loss. Five years of chasing a dream only to come up empty.

Empty in mind, body, spirit, and finances.

No next step. No back up plan to the back up plan.

Just sadness, regret, and unbearable pain.

Looking For A Way Out

Last week, before I got sick, this kid was going CRAZY trying to find his way out. And I say "trying to find his way out" because there's no other explanation (at least in MY head) for the stuff he was doing, and for how frequently he was doing it. Unless the little bastard was flipping himself back to breech... which I'll find out at the OB today if he did or not.This movement though, it was

Smart Cookies

I only have a minute because my desk has junk stacked 3 feet high on and around it and there is also that pesky business of expanding the minds of tomorrow to attend to, but I wanted to pop in...

Trick or Treat

I bet you thought I wouldn't post, huh? Mmmm??

My laptop has been SO SLOOOOOWWWWW today. But it's here now.

We had a blast Trick or Treating this year. We went to our friends the Logans. Casee and I used to work together and have been good friends for 10 years (wow!). Zachary's friend, Spencer was born on Halloween. We have spent many a Halloween celebrating with our friends.

The girls dressed up as Tulip Fairies.
Olivia in her costume
Abby in hers

Zachary dressed up as a Mobster with scars

I threw together a gypsy get-up
Casee is The Queen of Hearts
Angela (Spencer's Aunt) is a beautiful cow.

We did attempt to get a picture of the 3 kids together

We went on a hayride around the neighborhood to do the whole Trick or Treat thing. SO much fun!

Abby sat quietly on Daddy's lap the entire time

Olivia didn't :-)
Check out that hand trying her hardest to get out of my grasp!
She wanted to go go go.

Finally she settled down with Casee and was content to snuggle
Olivia hummed and sang to Casee - So Cute!

The girls first experience.
They had NO clue what was going on.
Abby tried to go in the house. Hee hee!

Here is Zachary with the whole group

Zachary and the birthday boy

The birthday boy without his mask

Zachary with Aubree

Casee with me and Olivia

Daddy with both girls.

Little Miss Abby

The best one of both of them

And one of the not-so-great-ones

And sometimes when you toss out giant wishes into the universe they come true

This is going to be a hard post to write- and not for any sort of obvious reasons. It is going to be hard because one of the players involved has asked me not to make her out to be some kind of saint. Which is sort of like asking me to talk without using [...]

Moments in Open Adoption Parenting, part 73

Tessa was distraught, after a Halloween party, for not getting the nod for a sleepover at her aunt's house. The excitement of the kid-oriented haunted house, the disappointment about the sleepover and a sugar high made for a meltdown.I got her into the car and she continued to wail about how mean her dad and I are. Roger and Reed were in the other car (long logistical explanation), so Tessa and I